Reminiscing... and confused.

Okay, I know that no one really reads this blog.
But that's fine. Cuz that means I can get out all my thoughts, and if people want to read them they can. But if not at least I know its out there.
It's hard being where I am now.


No. I'm not in Disney anymore.
It's almost been a year since I first started my internship. But I still feel like it was only maybe a month ago. It's that fresh in my mind.
.... I'm not having Disney themed dreams every other night anymore. That's good.

But....

It keeps popping up in my mind when I least expect it.
It was hard leaving.
Yes. I cried. I didn't want to, but I did anyway.
Because as a kid I dreamed of living in Disney World, and I practically was. I never thought it would actually be possible. And Disney believes in everything I believe in. Before I left for my internship last January, everyone who heard said that it was perfect for me. That I belonged there.
And... they're probably right.
But..... it was so much. It's a fantasy world over there. Reality is thrown right out the window.
And yeah... even though I do much better in the fantasy world than I do in the real world, I still felt like I was supposed to be in the real world. I mean, its the real world. You can't just leave it behind.
....or.... can you?
Living in a fantasy world seems too good to be true.
And true, Disney World's not perfect.

(gasp! not perfect! I know! That's crazy talk!..... but hey, nothing's perfect... not even Disney)

But its beautiful and is everything I ever dreamed of.

And every time I think of it, I get really sad. Cuz..... I'm not there.

And the question has run through my mind time and time again since I left....

"Should I go back?"

Every time someone asks me about my internship, they always- ALWAYS- ask me "When are you going back..... or are you going back?"

And I always say "I don't know!" *inner conflict and turmoil*


It's my dream place. My dream job. My dream life. Pretty much all my dreams are there.

But..... for some bizarre reason.... I can't decide if it's a good idea to go back or not.

....... heh...

One of my friends I met on my internship (he was a monorail pilot, and then he got a professional internship in Guest Relations at Animal Kingdom- where I worked when I was there)... before I left, he told me quite confidently that I'd be back. He just.... knew somehow.
How do you know?
.... I always think of that. Mostly because he seemed to be able to understand me better than I could understand myself.
He probably wouldn't be surprised if he heard that I was wrestling with the decision to go back or not.

He'd probably be like, "Easy. Come back. It's obviously your dream. So follow it."

And now one of my other friends who worked the Jungle Cruise is back there. She knew she'd be coming back. And so did my monorail pilot friend.

..... will he be right about me too?

......... I just... don't want to go alone. I think that's a big portion of the problem.
Cuz yeah, they'll be there. But I want someone to move down there with and room with and such. They're all settled, and I don't want to have to try to find someone after I go down to Florida.

Also... it's really far away from everyone in my family. I'm pretty sure none of my relatives live anywhere near Florida. And I've moved a TON in my life, but I've always had my family go places with me. This time, I'd really be on my own. And that scares the heck out of me.

Not to mention I don't know if I should work at Disney, or work near Disney and then get a resident pass or something. Cuz when you work at Disney, it sucks you in. You, your thoughts, your free time, your life...... that's a lot of Disney. Even I'd have trouble handling THAT much Disney.

But..... I still want to go back.

Thing is, after I stop listening to the park soundtracks, or after I start thinking of something else or stop telling people about Disney...... I'm fine. When my mind's off of it, I'm okay. Then I'm like, "why am I getting so worked up?"

But later on, it always happens again.

I really should finish college though. I've only done one semester. And now I'm working so I can pay for more classes.
.... though I'm learning theatre and art. I suppose you could take classes here and there and learn those things on and off throughout life.
And I know I'm going to be working some small job and doing theatre and art on the side... at least until I can get a theatre job (or an art job if I'm crazy lucky). So.... why not go back to Disney and entertain everyday?

...... after writing all this, it's occurred to me that the biggest reason I don't want to go is because I don't want to go alone. That's my biggest fear.

I do know a couple people down there though. That's a start. But I want to find someone (a good friend or something) that I can go down to Florida with. If I could find someone, it'd be way easier.
But that's gonna be hard.
All my friends are in colleges far away. And I don't think any of them want to go to Disney.

...If I could have changed one thing about my internship, I would have found someone to go with that I knew already. If I go back... that's what I'd like to do.

But where do you find someone like that in the Midwest? Where I live, hardly anyone has ever BEEN to Disney World. And they don't really care that they haven't gone.



..... heh... I just thought of something...

if a dream is a wish your heart makes, does that mean that my heart is wishing to go back to Disney? Cuz I've dreamed about going back so many times since I left....

Ugh....

Well.... if I do go back to college then I'll have lots of time to decide, I suppose.




Sorry about my random rant (if anyone even reads it). I've been wanting to do this for a while, just to get it out. I feel better now. :P